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Atheist abstinent
Ok, another story. You see when I was young (about 13) and wanted to know anything about sex, and asked my father he was not really much help, so I went to the source most teenagers use- their stupid friends. Since my "gimnazjum"(In poland you go to elementary school 6-12 and then to gimnazjum 13-16 and then to high school - 19) was also a corectional facility (they shared space with it), it was anything but "classy", so to speak. So you know basically all my male classmates talked and joked about that, I really didn't know what that was,but since I was really unpopular and wanted to make friends I decided I would learn some stuff about it and maybe this would make me more popular- bad quess. You see, since I was a kid and didn't really knew anything about sex, I just used the internet, and everyone who used the internet for everything knew that when you're trying to find anything educational about sex, what you're bound to find is piorn. So since I that's all I had I started watching that. My father gave me a porno when I asked him about sex, so I invited some of my classmates to watch it at my place (I guess we were 13 at the time). I think it was the only "live-action" porn I watched fully in my life (true I watched some adds on internet sites but you know what I mean- it was the only "full length movie" I've watched totally. I remember it was pretty boring basically a woman stuck something up her rectum for an hour. I remember my friends raved about it, they also raved about masturbation. And since I saw the movie I kind- off knew how to do it. The odd thing was that when I tried it ... it hurt. It's not that it hurt for a second, it hurt for an entire week. It wasn't physical pain though that would mean there was something anatomically wrong with me. It was more like sea-sickness or nausea, back then I thought it was an expression of guilt I had over watching that porno. Because there is basically no psychological counseling available to teenagers in poland. (You can notice that I don't like the educational system here), I basically had to rely on some "pop psychological" and pseudoscientific bits of knowledge i collected from assorted places. So basically I decided that I would use a thing called Systematic desensitization, of course a 13 year old kid wouldn't know that this only applies to phobias and not to guilt, but hey. Of course I didn't do it properly, I basically just did that banal" face your fear, face your guilt"thing. So basically I thought that if I masturbate to the most disturbing things long enough I won't feel bad. Of course I was always disgusted by real porn, so I watched hentai (drawn porn). The thing is that such porn has generally the most disturbing fetishes, so I know them all, and "checked " them all. Yesh. The result was that I felt even more guilty, and I got sick even by thinking of it. And in time masturbation, (even though I became sick afterwards) became a kind of compulsion. It's not that I did it excesivelly like more than once a day. Even during the time of my youth when i really did it a lot I never did it more often than once a day. The real guilt trip happened when I read an article about 'overmasturbation" and that masturbation lovers IQ, Of course I now know that this was a christian scam, but a thirteen year old couldn't know. So I felt major guilt. The thing was that during that time I had a different problem at school (I began to cry and convulse spontanously during class, I think it was some kind of epilepsy, but no one really cared. ) So I think this guilt also strengthened it. I had a problem with my sexuality ever since. I mean I am totally hetero, and I'n not impotent, but I just don't like sex. I would prefer not to do it. For me it's like smoking is for most people (or drinking or stuff like that0. It feels good for like 1 minute but afterwards you feel bad for a week. Physically bad not emotionally bad. I always attributed this "bad" feeling to guilt. But now I'm 100% sure That it is POIS . Meaning I'll never get rid of it. The thing is that sometimes a young man like me does masturbate (Well, generally I do that when I'm really depressed, I guess as self-punishment), and then I'm reminded a lot of things that are banal for most are not for me. I personally think of myself as asexual (even though I do feel sexual feelings, I just don't like sex) heteromantic (because I really really would like to have an intimate (as in romantic) relationship with a woman. Since i got in a fight with my dad, and got depressed about something I did "it" today. Now I feel nausea... and it will stay with me for the whole week, and I feel guilty because I promised myself no to do it. It's not that you know I'm religous or something and that I think it's a sin, it's just that I know that it makes me unproductive for a week and It would be better for me not to do it. Because the truth is that no matter how much I do it, it always will be painful, and I never will experience anything 'pleasant' out of it, as people describe it. It sometimes makes me sad when people describe it as the most 'pleasurable experience". It certainly isn't for me.


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