Religious belief
My religious belief is similar to Laplaces "I have no need for that hypothesis". I personally think pascal was a coward, i mean it's true if we look in a strictly opportunistic (and highly cowardly, and one might say hypocritical. Because he indirectly stated that he only believes in god so he wouldn't go to hell) then pascal's wager is actually offensive to anyone who trully believes in god. I personally think that if god exists and is really that powerful he doesn't care about an ant on his plant. I mean if he's so big what are we to him? Nothing more than ants. And do you think if an ant believes in you? I don't think so. I think it's highly arrogant of us to assume that if there was a creator he cares what we think about him. I personally think that I don't have the authority to judge weather or not there is a god or not, and that it is irrelevant to my life or to anyone else's life to contemplate that question. Of course there is sometimes a psychological benefit in believing in god. The AA is an example. (Even though it's not really proven to work)(At least if you believe Penn and Teller). Another example I could cite from osho (OH what a source to defend christianity!) from his book "Vigyan Bhairav Tantra" the book of the secrets, in which he explains that blind devotion might actually lead to enlightenment. I personally don't think that's the method for me, it might be for some, but not for me, and I believe everyone has the right to think what he wants when he wants. I'm not a skeptic from to have a science fetish and to believe that god doesn't exists, I'm also not a strictly an agnostic because I do not assume there has to be some higher power. I just don't think I have the competence to judge that, and neither do I believe anyone else has, so there's no need for that hypothesis.

Atheist abstinent
Ok, another story. You see when I was young (about 13) and wanted to know anything about sex, and asked my father he was not really much help, so I went to the source most teenagers use- their stupid friends. Since my "gimnazjum"(In poland you go to elementary school 6-12 and then to gimnazjum 13-16 and then to high school - 19) was also a corectional facility (they shared space with it), it was anything but "classy", so to speak. So you know basically all my male classmates talked and joked about that, I really didn't know what that was,but since I was really unpopular and wanted to make friends I decided I would learn some stuff about it and maybe this would make me more popular- bad quess. You see, since I was a kid and didn't really knew anything about sex, I just used the internet, and everyone who used the internet for everything knew that when you're trying to find anything educational about sex, what you're bound to find is piorn. So since I that's all I had I started watching that. My father gave me a porno when I asked him about sex, so I invited some of my classmates to watch it at my place (I guess we were 13 at the time). I think it was the only "live-action" porn I watched fully in my life (true I watched some adds on internet sites but you know what I mean- it was the only "full length movie" I've watched totally. I remember it was pretty boring basically a woman stuck something up her rectum for an hour. I remember my friends raved about it, they also raved about masturbation. And since I saw the movie I kind- off knew how to do it. The odd thing was that when I tried it ... it hurt. It's not that it hurt for a second, it hurt for an entire week. It wasn't physical pain though that would mean there was something anatomically wrong with me. It was more like sea-sickness or nausea, back then I thought it was an expression of guilt I had over watching that porno. Because there is basically no psychological counseling available to teenagers in poland. (You can notice that I don't like the educational system here), I basically had to rely on some "pop psychological" and pseudoscientific bits of knowledge i collected from assorted places. So basically I decided that I would use a thing called Systematic desensitization, of course a 13 year old kid wouldn't know that this only applies to phobias and not to guilt, but hey. Of course I didn't do it properly, I basically just did that banal" face your fear, face your guilt"thing. So basically I thought that if I masturbate to the most disturbing things long enough I won't feel bad. Of course I was always disgusted by real porn, so I watched hentai (drawn porn). The thing is that such porn has generally the most disturbing fetishes, so I know them all, and "checked " them all. Yesh. The result was that I felt even more guilty, and I got sick even by thinking of it. And in time masturbation, (even though I became sick afterwards) became a kind of compulsion. It's not that I did it excesivelly like more than once a day. Even during the time of my youth when i really did it a lot I never did it more often than once a day. The real guilt trip happened when I read an article about 'overmasturbation" and that masturbation lovers IQ, Of course I now know that this was a christian scam, but a thirteen year old couldn't know. So I felt major guilt. The thing was that during that time I had a different problem at school (I began to cry and convulse spontanously during class, I think it was some kind of epilepsy, but no one really cared. ) So I think this guilt also strengthened it. I had a problem with my sexuality ever since. I mean I am totally hetero, and I'n not impotent, but I just don't like sex. I would prefer not to do it. For me it's like smoking is for most people (or drinking or stuff like that0. It feels good for like 1 minute but afterwards you feel bad for a week. Physically bad not emotionally bad. I always attributed this "bad" feeling to guilt. But now I'm 100% sure That it is POIS . Meaning I'll never get rid of it. The thing is that sometimes a young man like me does masturbate (Well, generally I do that when I'm really depressed, I guess as self-punishment), and then I'm reminded a lot of things that are banal for most are not for me. I personally think of myself as asexual (even though I do feel sexual feelings, I just don't like sex) heteromantic (because I really really would like to have an intimate (as in romantic) relationship with a woman. Since i got in a fight with my dad, and got depressed about something I did "it" today. Now I feel nausea... and it will stay with me for the whole week, and I feel guilty because I promised myself no to do it. It's not that you know I'm religous or something and that I think it's a sin, it's just that I know that it makes me unproductive for a week and It would be better for me not to do it. Because the truth is that no matter how much I do it, it always will be painful, and I never will experience anything 'pleasant' out of it, as people describe it. It sometimes makes me sad when people describe it as the most 'pleasurable experience". It certainly isn't for me.

A lost letter found, an unknown love still lost
Let me tell you my story, I was institutionalized a few months ago, during my stay in the psychiatric hospital a girl gave me a love letter, I couldn't respond to it, because the medication made me really depressed and dull. Not to mention the fact that due to my condition I was reduced to a zombie-like sate and practically walked in circles all day long without any contact with anyone else. When I got out I still was in a zombie like state, it took many months of intensive drug treatments to put me into a semi-coherent state. Now thanks to the drug "lorafen" (Lorazepam) I'm able to function, maybe in a crippled way, but FUNCTION!. Anyway... I digress. The point being I've found the letter she gave me. I've read it just now for the first time. She wrote that she fell in love with me from the first sight, and that we're meant from each other etc. Well, all that's swell and peachy, but the problem is that she signed the letter using only her name. - Aleksandra. If only she would have use her surname AND name. How will I be able to find the person who's possibly the love of my life if I only have a name? I don't even know where she lives, or her age, I don't even recall what she looked like. I was so drugged up during my stay at the hospital I was pretty much reduced to an animal. .... How can I find Alexandra?


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